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Infertile Woman, I feel you!

Infertile woman with negative pregnancy test

As long as there is the tiniest, wildest chance. I can’t give up!

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Infertile woman, I hear you, I see you, I feel you! With every step forward you take towards fulfilling your dreams of becoming a mum, I am right there with you. I give you my hope, my positivity, my baby dust and everything else in hopes you get that much longed for bundle of joy.

To all the woman who are going through their infertility journey, whether it’s primary, or secondary infertility my thoughts are with you, my healing energy comes towards you if you welcome it with open arms.

Repeat after me, I am open to receiving the reiki energy from Sarah Tilsley and I welcome it with open arms so it can be sent to where is needed, and to help give me strength. And so it is.

Infertile Thoughts

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Sometimes it’s hard to see the rainbow, when there has been endless days of rain.

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Infertile thoughts, remembering what it was like for me before infertility.

  • I remember when we first decided to try for a baby it was exciting, do you remember?
  • The thought that in a few short months you’ll have a baby growing inside you, made from love, do you remember?
  • There was no doubt in your mind, no reason to think you’d ever have a problem conceiving, do you remember?
  • It was exciting, sex was fun and enjoyable, do you remember?
  • You’d excitedly think of names and what it was like to have a baby of your own, you’d read all the information you could get so you would know what to do when the time came, do you remember?
  • You’d just believe you’d have that baby in your arms one day, because infertility couldn’t happen to us, do you remember?

Infertile Woman I’m with you!

Infertile woman, I’m with you in your pain, in your darkness, I cry for you when I cry for myself.

Primary infertility hit us after we got to a year of trying and there still wasn’t a baby. I fell into binge drinking every weekend, I worked hard and trying to numb the pain. I still remember those days, I lived them too, you are not alone.

I’m one of the lucky ones who got to experience having one successful pregnancy. I know I’m lucky to have my baby and see him grow up to be the most caring, loving and thoughtful boy I know.

Yet I still cry for you, when I cry for myself, because I haven’t forgotten your pain, I know how it feels.

More Infertile Thoughts

Primary, or secondary infertility, the thoughts remain the same, the feels remain the same, after all, we’re all on the boat together, sailing the murky waters in the fog and the darkness. Together we sale, until hopefully, one day, one of us gets off the boat and holds her bundle of joy in her arms.

  • You realise there is a problem, but don’t want to admit it, am I right?
  • You have your names all ready and thought out, am I right?
  • You cling to whatever hope you have to get you through, am I right?
  • You know all the signs of pregnancy without reading about them, am I right?
  • You know your cervix better than anybody else and where it should be during certain times of your cycle, am I right?
  • You know your cervical mucus and your ovulation symptoms, am I right?
  • You could pinpoint exactly when you ovulated every cycle, am I right?
  • You know all the abbreviations of the trying to conceive community, like ttc, cm, bd, cd, etc. Am I right?
  • You’ve got a stack of ovulation tests, and pregnancy tests waiting, am I right?
  • You’ve pleased for god, or whoever is up there to let this month be yours, am I right?
  • You take test, after test, after test willing it to be positive, but it never is, am I right?
  • You’ve taken tests out of the trash to see if they’ve miraculously changed to positive, just in case, am I right?
  • You’ve broke your heart when your period showed up, am I right?
  • You feel like less of a woman because of the infertility, am I right?

Does it get easier?

11 years at this point I’ve being trying to conceive my second baby. 11 years of hope, 11 years of pain, 11 years of tears and feeling like a failure as a woman. 11 years of knowing exactly how you feel, because I live it too.

I’d like to say it gets easier, that you’ll just forget about the infertility and carry on as normal and to some extent it does, but it’ll never go away completely.

Oh I’ve tried to heal my pain, and all the hope I have and positivity, it does keep me going, but I have no choice right? I mean we can’t give up. We won’t give up, just in case.

It gets easier to live your everyday life, because you find things to do, things to occupy your mind, but it won’t go away completely. You learn coping strategies, ways that work for you to stop it overwhelming you, because it can if you let it.

I sit and pray to the universe that you’ll never make it to 11 years, like me. That you’ll all get off the boat and have your own bundles of joy before this point.

The pain still remains but it’s more of a dull ache, a numbness most of the time. The tests just get left, because there really is no point in tests that are just going to be negative anyway.

But one day, I’ll get off the boat too, one day I’ll have my rainbow baby in my arms. One day I’ll have all that and I will be able to share my success story.

Right now, I want to give you all the hope, positivity and baby dust I can muster for you all. I hope beyond hope that you will have your babies soon. Until that day, keep it up, stay strong, cry when you need too and find something to help you remain hopeful.

Love, light and bucket loads of baby dust my infertile friends.

Sarah xx

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